so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
