forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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