Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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