hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Randomize
