i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Randomize
