Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
