LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
