Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
