Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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