turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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