I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I wish there were birth control emojis
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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