WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
the day after is always just damage control
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
