I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
