woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
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