Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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