I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
