Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
