Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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