how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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