I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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