i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Randomize
