You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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