My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
