Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Randomize
