Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
