You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
