Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
