Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
this boner is exhausting
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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