just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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