my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
