Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
