My cat gives me a boner
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
