I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
