apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
