to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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