How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Success! We fucked roommates!
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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