non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
