Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
We had to coat check the pizza.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
