Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
