I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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