i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
