and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
