i love accidental penises.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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