My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
