I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
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