mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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