The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
