So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
