she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
ur plase or mine? lol
well if you don't learn how to spell, you may be at your place and I'll be at mine.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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