Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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