Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
