I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
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