TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
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