The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Randomize
