All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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