We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Randomize
