I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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