can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
