I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
