I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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