I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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